Christmas with Inga

Sarah - NO - she's innocent!

Many years ago we were visiting Big Brother over the holidays when he still lived in California. As a joke, Big Brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. You know, they say Santa checks his list twice, and it must be true because every Christmas morning, although Big Brother’s son’s stocking was overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

This particular year I took pity on him and decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart, you know. I made my maiden voyage to an adult bookstore downtown. Whew – what an experience for a naïve Scandihoovian girl.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, at least not by yourself. You'll only get confused. The things that came out of my mouth only showed how “uneducated” I was. I was there for an hour and once I picked my jaw up off the floor I started saying things like, "What does this do? "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. All I wanted to buy was a standard, uncomplicated doll. Oh, my, what a selection there was. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

So I settled for Inga. She was at the bottom of the price scale and still cost an arm and a leg. And, to call Inga a doll took a huge heap of imagination.

So Christmas Eve rolled around, and with the help of Ole and an old bicycle pump, Inga slowly sprang to life.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Inga's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I went to bed and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning Big Brother yelled up the stairway to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Inga should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

Grandma noticed Inga the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.

Ole quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut (snicker).

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Lovely Daughter said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? (snort)

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

Grandpa, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Big Brother’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Inga - not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Inga made a noise like Ole in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed and clawed his way up the drapes. Ole passed cranberry sauce through his nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Big Brother fell backwards over his chair laughing so hard he almost wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

Later, in Big Brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Inga's collapse. We discovered that Inga had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

So much for Inga, but it was truly a Christmas to remember.