Phlegmifying Good Fish

Guest post by Golf Widow of the Ministry of Silly Walks:

Hello. I am guest posting for Lena today. Accordingly, I selected lutefisk as my topic.

The more I found out, the more I found myself saying, "She said I could write about anything I wanted. Why did I choose this? Why? Why? For the love of all that's good and decent, WHY???"

Probably because I have always envisioned lutefisk as looking something like this:

But I was wrong.

It looks, according to Wikipedia, like this:

See, I don't think that looks bad. It looks a little like cod. I'm suspicious of the smushy stuff at the bottom of the plate, which Wikipedia claims is mashed peas (and I claim, again, "WHY????").

But the lutefisk itself? It looks okay.

My problem is that its reputation precedes itself.

You see, I listen to "A Prairie Home Companion".

Garrison Keillor had me at "Nero, my dog, has fleas, Nero, my dog ..."

Because of Garrison Keillor, I found out about the Ketchup Advisory Board, including the fact that, according to them, I spell "ketchup" wrong - the Board-endorsed spelling is "catsup."

And Garrison Keillor does not like the lutefisk. No sir.

He says, "Eating a little [lutefisk is] like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot."

He says, "Most lutefisk is not edible by normal people. It is reminiscent of the afterbirth of a dog or the world’s largest chunk of phlegm."

Oh, dear heavens. That nice piece of codlike fish in the picture? Is it that deceptive? Holy carp. Or mackerel. Or, I do not know what. Holy fish.

I thought it might be in my best interest to check in with another source. I was tempted to turn to Anthony Bourdain for guidance. However, although I remain madly and passionately in crush with Tony, he is a smoker, and I have noticed that my personal taste buds became more refined, more sensitive, after I quit. Which is not to malign my darling Tony, only to say that I think it's probably easier to eat a cobra heart if you can't fully taste it.

Rather, I opted for Jeffrey Steingarten, whose opinion I hold in high regard. Not only is he not one to sugarcoat the truth, but he is courageous. He, like I, will try anything at least once, and he and I have similar likes and dislikes, foodwise.

He is extremely curmudgeonly, but I like Jeffrey Steingarten, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Here is what he told an interviewer in 1999 about lutefisk:

"Lutefisk is the Norwegians' attempt at conquering the world. When they discovered that Viking raids didn't give world supremacy, they invented a meal so terrifying, so cruel, that they could scare people to become one's subordinates."

That does not sound promising. Nor does the fact that Jeffrey Steingarten, the author of a book called "The Man Who Ate Everything," also said, "I gladly eat worms and insects, but I draw the line on lutefisk."

Now, considering I draw the line at worms and am terrified of insects, I do not think I am cut out for lutefisk. Whatsoever.

I think I'll go to the deli and see if they have any SMOKED whitefish. Chef Bourdain might be right after all - smoking gets a bad rap for its effect on humans, but it cures seafood.

Someone needs to tell that to the Scandinavians before they phlegmify all the good fish.

Clobbering Ole

I think I’m going to clobber Ole upside the head with his coffee mug for scaring the gebeesus out of me last night.

I was sleeping very soundly and at exactly 3:25 a.m. Ole sat straight up in bed and yelled “BOO,” then flopped back down in bed and immediately continued snoring. Needless to say that sent an adrenaline rush through my system that wouldn’t allow me to start snoring again at all!! So there I lay, rubbing the belly of Senior Citizen Simon, who never gets excited about anything, and listening to him purr just as loud as Ole was snoring.

When I finally did fall asleep again about the time the sun came up I had all these crazy mixed up dreams. Ole and I were visiting his mother when all his relatives from the back woods of Kentucky showed up. There were tons of them and they took over the entire house. Ole left because he couldn’t stand all the backwoods folks and their corncob pipes, but he left ME there to deal with them. They kept telling me that I smelled and that I should go take a shower but I could never get into a bathroom because all these people were all over occupying all the bathrooms. And I was SO MAD at Ole for leaving me there.

Now can anyone out there decipher THAT dream? I sure hope it’s not a prediction of things to come cause I sure don’t want to deal with his backwoods relatives from Kentucky. Actually I don’t think he even has any relatives in Kentucky. But there must be something important about it because I can remember it – even this far into the day.

Yup – I think I have to clobber him with his coffee mug when he gets home.

On another note – I know I’ve been shy on entries here – not doing my part to keep you folks entertained and all that. But I think I’ve hit a dearth (neener neener) of things to talk/write about. Either that or my brain has become pickled with bleach and Pinesol.

All that cleaning and putting back together of my living room and dining room after all the ceiling work infected me with a bug so I’ve been working on the entire house. Might as well get my spring cleaning done in the winter and be ahead of myself in the spring for once. But it’s taking me forever because I’m going through every closet and drawer and making more space everywhere. I think I’m going to have to use Ole’s truck to haul everything to the Salvation Army when I’m done.

That is if I can keep Ole out of the piles I’m piling up. I gave up having rummage sales years ago. I’d get everything arranged on tables out in the garage the night before and Ole would come home from work and go through everything. He’d take 50% of it back in the house because he just knew he might find a need for it in the future. Then years down the road when he thought he could make use of the item he couldn’t find it anyway so he’d go out and buy a new one!! Now doesn’t that just make a lot of sense to you?

Uff da – he’s such a pack rat. We’ve lived in this house since 1975 – and at this point because of his pack rattedness I would hate to have to move out. It would take at least a dozen big semi-type moving vans.

Yup – I’m going to clobber him upside the head with his coffee mug when he gets home!!

The Soap Opera, the second chapter

I think I mentioned previously that we were having a gathering for the Super Bowl game. We didn’t have a BIG gathering (12), but the folks who were there were lots of fun. And of course there was more food than you care to think about plus Ole grilled burgers and brauts outside. I think everyone went home quite well fed. I used my Norwegian enabling personality trying to convince folks to eat more, but I still had lots of leftovers. I think we’ll be eating chili for a week!!

I didn’t watch much of the game as I spent most of my time gabbing with the other gals. I’m not a football fan anyway so it really didn’t matter. The only ones in attendance from “The Circle” were Bob and Carol. Dick and Jane had another commitment, and Ted and Alice aren’t football fans plus had family issues they had to deal with. I’m reasonably sure even if Dick and Jane hadn’t had other commitments they wouldn’t have come judging by the way Jane’s been acting around me. But then why does that surprise me? I’m currently in her Invisible Group. She pretends I’m not there and looks right through me. But that’s okay – she can play her childish games. I’ve tossed her the ball several times since our little too-doo over the fire department so the ball’s in her court now. If she doesn’t want to throw it back it’s her problem. And I tossed that ball out strictly for Dick’s sake – because I was/am afraid that she’s going to put so much pressure on him not to associate with us anymore. When Dick and I had our little conversation he assured me that wouldn’t happen – but we’ll have to see. Dick always visits with us after church on Sundays and yesterday he looked several times over at the table we were sitting at but that was as far as it went. I will feel very badly if we lose his friendship.

There was karaoke at the Watering Hole last Friday night. It’s amazing how much fun our group can have when Jane’s caustic personality isn’t hanging over everyone. Dick and Jane were apparently home babysitting their granddaughter as their daughter (Jane II) and son-in-law (Mac) came in with some friends later in the evening. Jane II made no connection with any of us whatsoever – not even so much as hello. But Mac always comes over and says hello and visits a bit. Mac isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I must give him credit for being very personable. So Ole invited Mac and Jane II out to our Super Bowl party on Sunday.

I truly didn’t expect either one of them to show up, but late in the evening, shortly after almost everyone else had left Mac came driving up alone. We invited him in for a burger and some chili and he happily snarfed them up. In addition to that he proceeded to spill his guts to both Ole and me. As I said previously, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and has made some bad decisions in the past and I’m sure will make more in the future. I think he’s a young man who grew up without any guidance within a very dysfunctional family. So of course Dick and Jane don’t like him. Jane has always been extremely vocal about that fact, and Dick is becoming more so as time goes on. The kids have been married about a year and a half now, but shortly after they were married Jane spouted the proclamation that she was going to do everything she could to break them up. She wanted/wants her daughter and granddaughter living at home with her so that she can make sure that the little one is getting “proper care.”

Well, judging from what Mac told us last night I think Jane is well on her way to success. Jane is very open about the fact that she doesn’t like Mac – right to his face. He told me last night – and this is a verbatim quote – “My mother-in-law thinks I’m a slug. She doesn’t like me and she doesn’t want me around her or around Jane II and Baby.” He refuses to stay at Dick and Jane’s for the weekends when Jane II comes home. He stays in town with his own mother.

Ole and I really got an information overload last night. Mac was here for almost four hours. It was like he needed someone to talk to and we happened to be in front of him. I truly felt sorry for him. He said the last time he and Jane had a conversation/argument he couldn’t stay to finish it because he had to get to work. I have no idea HOW he left the house, whether it was in anger or whatever, slamming doors, I don’t know. But he said that Jane called him TWO DAYS later to finish the conversation and prefaced it by screaming into the phone “How dare you walk out on me when we’re having a conversation like that.” And he said that wasn’t the first time something like that had happened.

He also told us that Jane II is getting more like Jane all the time. After she gets off the phone with her mother she starts yelling and screaming at him on subjects that seem to come out of the blue. Gee, I wonder where she’s getting her ammunition.

He would like to move his little family away from here – far away to help cut the apron strings but Jane II refuses to live anywhere but close to her mother. Anybody see where this is going?

And the conversation went on – until Mac was “empty.” Seemed like he needed to clean out his insides. Ole and I just sat there and listened. Believe me there was lots I would have liked to say, but I’m not going to stoop to Jane’s level. Besides I truly think that anything I would have had to tell him he probably already knew.
Tonight is half-price burger night at the Watering Hole – I wonder if Jane will even show up or has she lost her guts? So the soap opera goes on.