Phlegmifying Good Fish

Guest post by Golf Widow of the Ministry of Silly Walks:

Hello. I am guest posting for Lena today. Accordingly, I selected lutefisk as my topic.

The more I found out, the more I found myself saying, "She said I could write about anything I wanted. Why did I choose this? Why? Why? For the love of all that's good and decent, WHY???"

Probably because I have always envisioned lutefisk as looking something like this:

But I was wrong.

It looks, according to Wikipedia, like this:

See, I don't think that looks bad. It looks a little like cod. I'm suspicious of the smushy stuff at the bottom of the plate, which Wikipedia claims is mashed peas (and I claim, again, "WHY????").

But the lutefisk itself? It looks okay.

My problem is that its reputation precedes itself.

You see, I listen to "A Prairie Home Companion".

Garrison Keillor had me at "Nero, my dog, has fleas, Nero, my dog ..."

Because of Garrison Keillor, I found out about the Ketchup Advisory Board, including the fact that, according to them, I spell "ketchup" wrong - the Board-endorsed spelling is "catsup."

And Garrison Keillor does not like the lutefisk. No sir.

He says, "Eating a little [lutefisk is] like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot."

He says, "Most lutefisk is not edible by normal people. It is reminiscent of the afterbirth of a dog or the world’s largest chunk of phlegm."

Oh, dear heavens. That nice piece of codlike fish in the picture? Is it that deceptive? Holy carp. Or mackerel. Or, I do not know what. Holy fish.

I thought it might be in my best interest to check in with another source. I was tempted to turn to Anthony Bourdain for guidance. However, although I remain madly and passionately in crush with Tony, he is a smoker, and I have noticed that my personal taste buds became more refined, more sensitive, after I quit. Which is not to malign my darling Tony, only to say that I think it's probably easier to eat a cobra heart if you can't fully taste it.

Rather, I opted for Jeffrey Steingarten, whose opinion I hold in high regard. Not only is he not one to sugarcoat the truth, but he is courageous. He, like I, will try anything at least once, and he and I have similar likes and dislikes, foodwise.

He is extremely curmudgeonly, but I like Jeffrey Steingarten, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Here is what he told an interviewer in 1999 about lutefisk:

"Lutefisk is the Norwegians' attempt at conquering the world. When they discovered that Viking raids didn't give world supremacy, they invented a meal so terrifying, so cruel, that they could scare people to become one's subordinates."

That does not sound promising. Nor does the fact that Jeffrey Steingarten, the author of a book called "The Man Who Ate Everything," also said, "I gladly eat worms and insects, but I draw the line on lutefisk."

Now, considering I draw the line at worms and am terrified of insects, I do not think I am cut out for lutefisk. Whatsoever.

I think I'll go to the deli and see if they have any SMOKED whitefish. Chef Bourdain might be right after all - smoking gets a bad rap for its effect on humans, but it cures seafood.

Someone needs to tell that to the Scandinavians before they phlegmify all the good fish.