Ole is NOT who he appears to be!

In my previous entry I made mention of the fact that Ole is NOT who he APPEARS to be!! That Ole is a sneaky Finlander, ya’ know.

First of all, let’s just say that Ole’s last name is Olson. You need to know that in order to understand this story. Olson isn’t a very Finnish name, but for today we’ll just say he can be blessed with a Norwegian name.

One day a number of years ago, when Ole was still “gainfully employed” he was making a sales call on Hazel, a lady that held a very important position in the local school district. Hazel had been a customer of Ole’s for many years and just happened to claim the same Old Stomping Grounds as Ole did. So when Ole called on her they always reserved a bit of time for shooting the sh- - , in addition to doing business. This particular day the subject of folks that they both knew from the Old Stomping grounds came up, in particular, Ole’s grandfather.

Hazel asked Ole a question about his grandpa, and Ole responded with, “That mean old SOB?” (I never knew him but I guess he was hell on wheels.)

HAZEL: No, your OTHER grandpa.

OLE: What OTHER grandpa?

HAZEL: Uh,oh – you don’t know!!

OLE: What do you mean I don’t know?

HAZEL: You REALLY don’t know?

OLE: Know WHAT for heaven’s sakes?

HAZEL: OMG, I’ve gone and spilled the beans. I can’t believe you’re 50 years old and didn’t know about your Grandpa August.

OLE: Well, for heaven’s sakes TELL me!!

It seems there was a baker by the name of August HUMMPAA (pay attention to that name – it will give you a chuckle later in the story) in a small town close to where Ole’s Grandpa Matt farmed. The baker’s specialty was cinnamon toast, and back in those days he used to deliver the cinnamon toast to the various farms in a horse a buggy. Now apparently August Hummpaa was a horny old bugger and “had his way” with a number of the farm ladies around the countryside, one of them being Grandpa Matt’s wife – Ole’s grandmother. The result ended up being Ole’s father – I always wondered why Ole’s father didn’t look like the rest of his five older brothers and sisters.

Anyway, when Grandpa Matt found out his wife was expecting and that August Hummpaa had been sniffing around about the time she got pregnant, he kicked her out and sent her back to Rhode Island where her family was. Apparently Ole’s father was born back in Rhode Island and was several years old before Grandpa Matt and his wife came to terms and she was allowed to come back home.

As I said, August Hummpaa was apparently a horny old bugger, had several wives over the years and at the time of his death (90-something) he left behind over 100 LEGITIMATE descendants. No one knows how many illegitimate ones there are/were floating around the world. Now a strange twist to this story is that this is when Ole discovered that he and Hazel (remember her, back in the beginning of the story) are actually first cousins!! August Hummpaa was biological grandfather to both of them.

And there’s another strange twist. August Hummpaa had a grandson named Olavi, who had the hots for Ole’s little sister, and the feelings were mutual. Well, wouldn’t you know that when Little Sister graduated from college and moved out to California she and Olavi started shacking up together. Ole’s mother was beside herself but finally broke down and had to tell Little Sister that she couldn’t live with this guy, as they were actually first cousins – and you know what happens then!! Apparently this whole issue was supposed to be a deep dark secret – so only those on a need-to-know-basis were privy to the information.

The day Ole found all of this out from Cousin Hazel he came home laughing and giggling and couldn’t wait to tell me the story. Ole thought it was hilarious and had/has enough self-confidence that he didn’t feel it made HIM any less of a person. Now Ole’s father on the other hand, spent his entire life feeling sorry for himself because of a situation he had no control over and ended up drowning his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle most of his life, stating that he drank because of his past history. Yeah – right – but that’s another story and I’m not going there today.

AND THEN: After we had laughed and giggled about the issue we decided that Ole had to tell Lovely Daughter all about it. She was away at college at the time so we decided that the next time she came home for the weekend we would take her out to dinner under the guise that we had some important announcement to share with her. And we did. She sat very quietly and seriously throughout Ole telling her the entire story. Then when he finished he made the announcement that he had decided to legally change his last name from Olson to Hummpaa, and that she, as his child, would from then on be known as Lovely Daughter Hummpaa. A terrified look came across her face and out of her mouth came, “Over my dead body! There’s no way I’m going to be known on campus as Lovely Daughter Hummpaa!!”

Of course it was just a joke – Ole would never have done that – but we sure all got a good laugh out of it.

So now you know that Ole is truly not who he appears to be.